In that sleep of death what dreams may come ***may be triggering***

I had a catch up session with my pill man, Dr A, and we decided that I will most assuredly be staying on shit loads of pills.

He asked the usual questions and I gave my answers without thinking.

Q. Have you self harmed?
A. Not since July 5th 2011 (too precise? He gave me a look...)

Q. Are you suicidal?
A. No.

Q. Do you have suicidal thoughts?
A. No...




... I didn't tell him because I know that I'm not really very likely to act on them, but I do, all the time at the moment.
I see cars speeding along and my body twitches towards the road as I picture myself running in front of them, picture myself smashing on the windscreen and flying over the car, picture it all being over.

It's not just cars, I'm noticing sharp knives (not particularly unusual there though), I find myself thinking about how the home delivery prescription service made a mistake and left me with four months worth of pills and how they're just sitting in my desk at home, I'm remembering how certain people I know have access to guns and how easy it is to get on the top of tall buildings.

I just can't stop thinking.

Bloods and Buses

Bloods.

I've been on and off quite ill for a while now so had a shitload of blood tests done, I have no problems with blood tests other then the fact that I have to talk to some power mad receptionists to get the results.

I just want to say that I've met some really lovely, kind, caring doctors receptionists in the past but wow, these ones are on a major power trip!

Anywho, I dutifully phoned up for my results as instructed to be told by the receptionist (lets call her Lisa) that I couldn't have the results over the phone.
I informed Lisa that I definitely could and she eventually told me that I had one 'bad' result and that I have to go for an appointment with my doctor as soon as I can.
A little worried I asked when I could see my doctor, she said that he's on holiday so I can't see him for a week, that works for me as I find him a bit scary. When is another doctor free? I asked, she said she didn't want me to see a different doctor.

We have this problem every time we talk, my doctor is not there at all often, he does a lot of great things for charity and has a lot of holidays which is fine but it means he's not there when I need him, I don't ask to see him often but sometimes I can't avoid it.

So, ASAP makes me think the results are very bad but I can't see or talk to any doctors according to Lisa, I asked if another could call me just to give me a vague clue to stop me worrying and I'm told no one can talk to me. No doctors are available even of they could talk to me anyway.



I know Lisa's a total jobs worth so I phoned back later and asked for a doctor to call me back again and Mini-trainee-Lisa (who's far nicer than the original) got me my phone call. I'm sure I must be a nightmare to deal with.


I have to have more tests now to rule out crohn's disease, cancer and all sorts now, didn't ease my mind as I'd hoped.





Buses.

When I was on the bus earlier I saw an elderly couple, they were sitting and talking and looked so genuinely full of joy at being on the bus together, they looked so happy. I felt so happy for them but at the same time I felt full of sadness for myself, I don't think I'll ever be as happy as they were made from a bus journey. They were so sweet and blissfully taking in everything about their short bus ride, I don't know why they were so happy about it but it made me ache.

Hate

I wonder why so many people go around being horrible to everyone they come into contact with, I've had almost two days of customers shouting at me, the last one had a go after I'd helped them!
I almost burst into tears while talking to other customers after she'd left and my bloody voice betrayed that.

There's only so much verbal abuse you can take before it starts to really fucking hurt.

I hate my life and I can't get away from any of it, I'm trying but it doesn't work, I hate it all.

Everyone hates me too.

Dipping

I'm so grateful to those of you who've been so supportive, commenting or emailing me, it's really meant a lot, thank you.

I've named this post "dipping" but it's more like diving at the moment, my pet got sick suddenly a couple of days before C discharged me and was dead when I got home after my final appointment. She'd had a really long and happy life but I didn't expect her to go, it just feels wrong.
I was falling apart as it was but I've lost my support and my lovely lil girl all at once.

My situation at work is near unbearable too but with my sickness record, who'd hire me?
At least the one nice (though unfortunately part time and in a separate area from me) colleague I have brought up the fact that she sees me as being picked on, it's validating to know it's not just me.

I just feel like I'm falling again.

I miss my pet.
R.I.P lovely.

and the rest is rust and stardust

I saw C yesterday and I can only continue to think of these last couple of sessions as a pointless exercise. We covered nothing new, though that could be my fault as there's no point in opening myself up to be left on my own to deal with the effects of any new or undisclosed memories.

C wanted to know what she'd done to help and went on to mention things that I'd specifically told her didn't help. It seems that everything I say just goes through one ear and right through the other now.
Why listen with only one other session left, aye?
She was late and ended early and when I asked about where I go from here she said that I "could probably come back in a couple of months or something", I feel stuck, I don't have anyone.


I've also just finished reading the book Lolita, has anyone else read it? What did you think?
I'm not sure.

sunglasses and bad ass music

I might be miserable but I'm sick of it, I am always in a bad mood, having petty mini arguments with Bf and letting everyone down.
I am all Mum has and don't spend enough quality time with her and I'm just not a good sister to Brother.
I am selfish and wallowing in self pity doesn't help anyone.

I am changing, starting today, instead of thinking about the bad things and instead of planning all of the work overload I'm heading to work to deal with, I'm going to put on my sunglasses, listen to some bad ass "I can do anything" music and just go with it.

Fuck all the deep stuff that screws me up.

And fuck C, I'm seeing her for the second to last time tomorrow, I don't see the point in caring about this stuff anymore. I can't do it on my own so it's going back into the little box in the back of my head, it's been a waste of time.

A bad day

There's one crap thing after another at the moment, I've had a really rough time at work recently and met Bf in the pub when I finished on Friday. Bf was so drunk, which isn't a problem in itself but he was really mean.

When I got to the pub he offered me a drink but after ordering drinks for himself, me and his mate he said he didn't have any money so needed me to pay. Annoying but not as annoying as it all got. Besides, he had plenty of money. Bf tried to start an argument with someone, only to discover it was the wrong guy.
He also pulled stupid faces and shrugged when someone said how lucky he was to have me.

We went to another pub, leaving his bike and bag at the first, I got an ear full for suggesting that we take his stuff with us.
He ended up hitting his head when falling hard into a wall, at the same time he knocked over someone Else's drink and shouted "What?! I'm drunk!!!" at them.

He left to go to the loo after this so I took the opportunity to gather our stuff together and stood by the door waiting so we could leave as soon as he got back.

Bf was worried about his bike but I'd already arranged for some friends of ours to walk it back to theirs until we could collect it. This wasn't acceptable to Bf so we had to get a massive taxi home and take it with us.

I was so glad to be home, it's hard work dealing with someone who's that drunk and doesn't care what you're saying.
I was thinking about having toast for dinner and going to bed but he looked at me in such a mean way and said "You hardly need to eat, do you." and after all of the weight issues recently that hurt.

I went to bed, two hours later, he throws up in bed (sorry to be disgusting).
He shouted at me.
I went to the bathroom, Bf followed me to shout at me some more.
This was unusual for him.
He shouted at me as I was changing the sheets and got in the way, he shouted at me to hurry up while climbing into the bed I was in the middle of changing.
I put a towel across where I'd had to wash the mattress as it had made the clean sheets a bit wet.
He shouts "Why don't you just fuck off back to work?!!" and throws the towel at me.
I cry myself to sleep which just makes me feel like an idiot.



The next morning I wake up to a letter literally saying that because she's too busy, C is cancelling half the appointments that we still have. She's been off for a while too, I don't see the point in going back now.